mcdonalds. im gay.

Its me, yes i'm alive. A lot has happened since our last encounter. I have been suffering from severe writers block, I am sorry that I use that line a lot. I promise it isnt a made up excuse, I am suffering from a severe problem called my life is not entertaining no mo. I check my stats and feel sympathy for those of you that check my blog just to find that you have already read the last post. I guess I owe you the treasure of hearing about my phsycotic, up-to-no-good lifestyle. Well, to begin, you should know that I am fully cultured as of last week. I turned the knob on my apartment without the knowledge of what was going on behind the door. I walked in, and my straight face immediately turned to a sly confused look, then a bright smile and ended with a "why does your food have to smell like shit" sort of look. My Asian roomate and her friends were on their knees places evenly apart around our living room table. Two large crock pots filled to the rim with Asian shit, to their culture I believe its considered food. The smell was gag worthy, but their smiles and excitement created a postively asian environment. I ran to my room after I bowed my head and said koo mi chi wah, and plugged my nose for hours. Its a miracle that I am still living. I was at the mcdonalds drive through when a loud obnoxious car pulled up behind me. My window was down, as are most drive through car windows... and I was at a 99% annoyed mood. Without thinking, I blurted out in quite a loud tone, "Get a new car!" I got flipped off. I guess I deserved it. That was only one time I was at mcdonalds, this other time.. like the next night.. I was trying to leave the drive through because me and lexi already recieved our apple dippers and cinnamelts, and various other food that I will sensor out due to the stereotype: fatpigbigbutthole" I was driving forward and realized I was trapped in due to the car in front of me that was asked to wait for their food. I was chill with waiting, it wasnt blue SUVS fault ya know? I felt a sneeze comin' on and I didnt avoid it (because sneeze's are great) and somehow honked the horn at the same time. The car in front of me probably cursed my name. Mcdonalds girl worker, with a mexican accent, said " she waiting! she waiting!" I think I offended quite a few drive thru people that day. I should have told that lady to hurry her ass up so BSUV didnt have to wait. Well, thats all for now. I love you, you know. xoxo

late night thought

The streets are glittered with advertisements for free love, it is an utter shame that the media is so deceiving.

murder on main.

The same roomate that wouldnt go out to eat with me last night because it was a Sunday, is the roomate that is talking dirty to her boyfriend over the phone. Someone is punching my gag reflex. This living is unhealthy. Christmas is around the corner, I have been jobless since the moment I left ParadiseCafe August 16th. I miss the mexicans their so much.. I cant wait to visit them. But anyway, my parents will be paying for the Christmas gifts I give this year, I feel aweful. After some deep realization I came to the conclusion that my Christmas list has depleted magnificantly since life at BrightonHighSchool. I dont have to get my fake friends presents anymore just because they give me one. Thatsnice. & I dont have a boyfriend this year. I have mixed feelings about that, because I love getting boys presents more than anything. damnassholes. hahaha. I swore. But I really can't wait to go home and see my family and some old friends. Sam, Al and Ster. Taco Tuesday. plus the monkeys.. I dont think Al knows about those though. Perhaps we will have to swear him in. I havent had the chance to listen to Cudi's new album in FredJames with Sam yet either, i'm real excited. It'll be a neat experience. Their was a murder on main and I am absolutely terrified. I texted my mom at about one in the morning and she text me back like... 3 page texts telling me everything would be okay and to not be so scared. 'Ashlee Rawlings has mad anxiety' its on my forehead, it must be. Or perhaps i'm predictable. Or perhaps i'm phsycotic. Mental? Crazy! All of those things... shiiiz. THATS WHY I DONT HAVE A BOYFRIEND. Hahahaaaaaaa dangggiiitttttt. I'm listening to TheUsed right now, i'm downloading more of the used right now. Its a sign, i've gone EMO! how do you get rid of emo? This brings me to my next thought, why is it that the person that cares the least always WINS? Its like wtff.... if your an ahole life is handed to you on a golden platter. The entire time i've been writing this blahh there has been only one thing on my mind, the hair that I found in my food at la pointe, EWWWWWWWWWWWWWw. waaahhhh I wanna cry right now. I'm bawling. I'm crying soooo hawwwrddd..... uggghhh. bye.

sunday

Majority of the time I don't ask people questions because i'm afraid of what the answer may be.

artificially flavored world.

The large crowd has their eyes on her.
She can hear their whispers, see them point.
Her differences give them something to talk about.
Her mind is flushed with craziness as she breathes in
the thick air of judgement and pressure that surrounds her.
People walk up to her.
They try to change her, they degrade her, they form their opinions.
They love her?
They are plastic,
just fake blood pumping through a fake heart supporting a fake mind
with bad intentions.
For years she has been hiding under her own skin and a
massive overcoat of paranoia.
Without a warning..
Rage is suddenly ignited in her veins. Through a type of
motivation she has never felt before, her footsteps sound on the stage floor.
She reaches the center.
She delicately places her hands over her deep blue eyes.
All she can see is a shade of black.
Everyone is gone, no one is watching her. She can feel
the honesty moving closer to the tip of her tongue.
She speaks of life as she knows it.
No one has ever heard real like this.
Her mind morphs into words that begin to leak from her moving lips...

She wakes up.
She rushes out of bed,
throws on some old tattered blue jeans and a custard cardigan.
"This will have to do.."
She looks into the mirror with a distateful look on her face.
She comes to a frantic stop and her mind considers the possibilities as to what she could be missing..
She grins. Remembers her dream.
Although it had never happened, although she didnt break lose and show the world
who she was and what she had to say,
her dream is proof. She knows who she is.
Not even half of the critic assholes can say that about themselves.
She grabs her baby blue umbrella and prepares herself for the plastic world
laced with beauty that only the observant can see.
The beauty that she wakes up for.
The beauty that she will embrace from this day on.

Metaphorically speaking.

It is well into the night, some would even consider it morning. She eats a bowl of cereal and stares straight ahead. Her mind is so active it wouldnt surprise me if she wasnt aware of the mass amount of lucky charms she continually pours into the tiny paper cup. Life is on her mind while her life is happening. I can't decide if I should tell her how unhealthy that is, but then again... she seems to be fine. She appears happy. Perhaps this is how she grew up, how she taught herself to live. 60% of the time no one has her attention, she is generally pondering on who knows what. She's a good fake. Her eye contact, body language and occasional nods are very deceiving. Her eyes get heavy as she begins to yawn. "Sleep all day, play all night" she has heard it from her dad a trillion times. She knows its not okay, but telling herself she needs a regular sleeping pattern will not give her a regular sleeping pattern. Her life is made of metaphors. Her room is too hot, outside is too cold. She is in the living room. Caught in the inbetween. The clock on the wall is doing all that it can to get her to close her eyes, but as mentioned previously... time might aswell not exist. He puts a smile on her face. She might get some sleep tonight. & The fly on the window continues to find its way out into the world.

when.

How lucky she has it. It is a mystery to me as to why she has to remind herself of that. Why the mask? That is something only she knows. If she were to tell, she knows it would only hurt worse. Why is the golden question. Why is the question that she has never known the answer to. "Damn google, why cant you give me the answers to my life," she mutters to herself. The mirror must be a distortion, only she can see the lonliness. Red Hot Chili Peppers sounds through the miniature room. Why torture your mind? Red Hot Chili Peppers reminds her of him. The him that still lives. He lives in her childhood memory. The funeral is when she recieved news, this was his favorite band. She would know that had she stayed in touch. But god, she loves his memory. It is hard to believe that something that was once there, can dissapear completely. No where to be seen. Non existant? No they still live. They live inside of you, but you'll never touch them again. The worst, you'll never laugh with them again. It is especially hard knowing they are gone due to a saddened heart. She knows this feeling. She has experienced this kind of loss a few times in her life. There was once a time when she slept at her best friends house. Her dad took them on a joyful ride in the brand new BMW he suddenly posessed. He swerved as the young girls exploded with high pitched screams mixed with beautiful laughs, the real kind of laugh. She remembers the night as if it were yesterday. She remembers the man behind the wheel as if he was still there. She misses him, and with the build up of tears... she reflects on the time she considered him her second father. What a neat guy. A good friend. She remembers him for him, not for what he became. The world can do that to you, it can change you. Generally for the worst. Being aware of this, she yearns to become closer to the gospel. That isnt anything different, she always has. Committing to become closer to the gospel is the hard part. She always tells herself that "oneday." "onedayIwilldoit." You would think she would know by now that life doesnt always make it till that "one day" Sometimes, the deadline is cut short. When.

wWazzTyoSign?

HI
yesterday was thirsty thursday.
I attended a pawrtee. Twas lots of fun, the music was sikkkk bro. Unfortunately people that are gay like me celebrate thirsty thursday with orange cream soda. Its too bad that orange cream soda tastes like ah hole and I only drank it because I have nothing to drink here and the tap water is unsanitary. Almost as unsanitary as my apartment, well not anymore... my OCD kicked into overdrive this morning and I put my roommate animals to work. If it wasnt that, I was on the verge of creating a fake clean up check slip. Last night at the party everyone was drunk but me and doiden, it was the best.. we danced and shii. The girl that owns the house asked eden what kind of dancing she was doing, Eden is a really impressive dancer. PAHAHA Eden has the ability to make drunk girls confused. The boy that gave me his number (boy that was shorter than me that told me to hit him up.. from the earlier post) was there and ooohhh goodness we are not on good terms due to my lack of texting him. i'm freakin scaredddd. I bought Febreze from Walmart the other night that smells like boys cologne. If there are any stinky boys reading this and you cant afford cologne, its called Winter Evening & Warmth. Invest in this okay? Guarentee girls will be likeee, is that usher? sooo yum. My roommates friends are coming again today.... DAM NAT. but her boyfriend is commin with. I'm so essiteddddddddddddddddd. So my roomates (all of them) decided to let out some breaking news. They are all moving. HahahaHa but for some reason, if me and eden want to move they told us they know two people that will buy our contracts... so naturally, I asked why their friends would want to buy are contracts if they were all moving out anway? They go... Well, I mean we would stay if you guys moved! WTFFFFFF. farm animals. freakin' farm animals. The asian is dating her cousin. no joke, rumor has it that this boy is her cousin. Every night i've been coming home lately they've been asleep in strange positions on the couch. I'm convinced they are faking. I dont know how they wouldnt wake up to me coming in and turning on the lights plus the noise I make to purposly wake them up. FAKERS. You guys gotta check out the hoodinternet remixes, they are sikk. I'm sickkkkk i am so sick rite now. I'm goinnnnnnnnnng i'll letcha know all bout my life tomorra . keep posted.

EyeLaUV.

Click on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX1UYwwDqrA

Tis Good, If you know what good is.

babi momma drama.

In english today I had to write a paragraph about the saying, "Pen is more powerful than the sword."
It got me thinking that if it is true, we all must have a lot of power at our fingertips. The fact that it is easily accessable is the greatest advantage. The best example I could come up with is Martin Luther King Jr. and his ability to write such an amazing speech that it proved more effective than any violent outbreak or malicia that could have struck. It was a written speech that turned into spoken words and gave the African American population the Civil Rights that they so rightfully deserved. No one should ever underestimate the power of words on a sheet of paper, it can be pretty powerful stuff if it is used effectively.

I'm bored, and ya know what..? I'm going to Walmart. I'm going to Walmart alone at midnight, I will update you on my experience when I return.

I spent about two hours at WAlmartttta;slkjf
It sucked. I thought I was getting a good deal and ended up spending way too much money. and i dont even know what I bought. andddd im sick. and im tired. and this post sucks and I am sorry. sorry to myselffff for making this SUCH a gay and uneventful day.

I didnt get raped.

YouShizzin'Meh?

"koo mi chee pokee la la fa ta ra mawul fah" she sang. She sang in Japanese. I walked past her room casually, trying not to look as if my sole purpose of getting up and walking was because of her, and her only. The singing was followed by talking, her talking was followed by me thinking WTF who is she talking to. No one is in her room with her. I hope it was skype. I hope it was anything. Just please say she wasnt talking/ singing to herself because that would creep me out. On Halloween eve's eve I had the fabulous opportunity to dress up in a costume to go to a costume party that we didnt end up going to. It was embarrassing. We went to a party with 28 year olds, wait.. make that three parties. My roommate has cool friends. They creep hard and stuff. Probably have kids too. They probably have to dye their hair to keep the grey away. One that I met is an x-polygomist. cultural experience. When I walked into my apartment tonight after a nice Sonic dinner with Doiden, we were blown away by the thick wet-dog smell in the air. Canyonlands has a NO PETS ALLOWED policy, I always wonder how my roommates manage to sneak themselves in. I have really good news though. I got an A on my english essay!!! My teacher never gives A's and it was the hardest essay. I feel great. But I really dont feel that great because my head is being a jerk. My head is allll hey i'm going to hurt and stuff. Ew. I have a dumb head. I wore the same thing today as I did yesterday. I hope I wear it tomorrow too. Eden just admitted to being in LOVE with Randy Keller. I always knew it.. I just wanted her to say it. She was like, "Ashlee I love Randy Keller (tears start coming) it feels so good to finally say it, (starts to drool) I love everything about him...(snot comes out of her nose) if I could I would just snuggle with him right now (blows her nose, looks at the snot, throws it at our roommates face) I.... just.... love him. i'm in love with him." I was like woaaahh there ede calm down alittle alry? she was like no bi*ch. I need to get out of this place. People are cruel. I encounter about eight sick jokes a day.

Sick Joke of the Halloween weekend.
1. My roommates friends coming down for the weekend. 2. my roommates friend publicly humiliating herself with a tacky chair dance. 3. Losing the grill I got for my teeth out of the vending machine. 4. Having no cars to smash with pumpkins. 5. the amount of food I inserted into a giant hole in my face. 6. getting the black temporary dye out of my hair. 7. untangling my hair. 8. Having to see Matt Aiken and his DUMBNESS. 9.Utah state baha (thats the sick joke of the century) 10. LETS GO TO THE HOWL BROOOOO. 11. Eden getting completely ready and even putting gum in her mouth but still lying to me and telling me that a boy isnt coming over even though I KNOW that someone is an im pissed. 12. My whiteboard falling off the wall in the middle of the night and scaring the shiz out of me. 13. the smell of this air. 14. getting locked out of my apartment at 2 AM freezing cold. SICKEST JOKE OF THEM ALL.

& many others.... If you would like to hear more, contact me at my facebook account via message.

HAVE A NICE LIFE!

Oh & I would like to give a shout out to Alex Whittingham, what a cool guy.

Japanese Pumpkin

& today was a day just like any other.

Today.
Seriously?
I woke up. Realized I had a massive math test. Continued to lay in bed. Took the test. Failed the test. Debated on whether or not I should do something horrible to get expelled from Dixie, I wasnt sure if my parents would be more angry if I was expelled or if I failed a class. Seriously. I decided that perhaps costume shopping would ease my troubled mind. I went to this local antique store. Atleast I thought it was a store, that is what the sign said. I was surprised to find out it was an eldery ladies house and she was a hoarder. Or was I surprised? I always come in contact with just.. WEIRD shit, weird situation. It was pretty sick though you should have seen this place. I wanted everything, but I was sure the lady wouldnt sell it. You could tell her cruel son must have been the mastermind behind the "store" sign. The only customer in the store other than Eden and I was a middle aged women wandering aimlessly through the clutter looking for the "store" owner. She finally found her and told her she was ready to purchase an item, I wasnt sure what it was but the old lady said no.. she is using it. No, seriously. The old lady said she wouldnt sell it to her because she was USING it. Whaaaaaaat?! HA! ha! After we explored the clutter that could be considered a learning or cultural experience even, we decided to go to Sonic. Well, we decided to go to WalMart but somehow found ourselves parked in a Sonic stall. We ordered. Got our food. I decided I wanted another drink, we ordered again.. I got more Diet Coke. Eden wanted more tayter tots.. we ordered again. We were really embarrassed but the hottie mexican (baha) made us feel fine about it. I turn Akon up rather loud and we still manage to hear a faint, "HELLOO?" over the music. Immediately turn the music off and search in every direction to find out who said that.. I roll down my window and say hello back... the intercom says "Hi! do you guys need anything else?" & we say... yeaaa actually, can we get a refill? He brings us out a larger drink than we ordered. Charity work. He could tell by our clothes that we were homeless. I wish I could say it ended their, so this story didnt make me look like some sort of sick joke. But no, the guy comes over the intercom again, and asks what else we want. I tell him to take a picture of us..... he says.. "why do you guys want a  picture you already too cute?" first of all, that doesnt make sense but I didnt notice that it didnt make sense till now. I think its because we are all immune to the fact that mexicans do NOT make sense. So we held a conversation. he hit on us a little lot. Mexicans really need to raise their expectations. He must have been desperate. I know the feeling. But I can't believe he even knew we were girls by the way we looked. Anyways, he comes out and takes a picture of us, we wanted to document our time at our second home. And the large amount of food we ate. Of coarse.. OF COARSE. he asks us if we are from around here. Everywhere we goooOOo someone asks us where we are from. Anyway, I had anxiety while leaving Sonic... I was very attached to the place. We go to Walmart. I was confused if it was WalMart or Colorado City, the Walmart sign gave me reassurance. There were Polygomists around every corner, I have never seen such a thing. Eden even got to say hi to one.. I was unbelievely jealous. I still am. That biTc.. Anyways I made it home in time to do my LIB homework. Now we have to do our wash. Rearrange our room. Try to look like girlsss & do something tonight. I'll post some pictures of our October 29th experience, gbye.

For those that made it to the end of this ginormous post, here are some visuals.

 

 

polygomists------------------------------>

911!911!

I went to Arbys. I went to Arbys alone. While I drove there I thought of what I was going to get, where I was going to eat it, and what I was going to watch. I was super excited for the relaxation time ahead of me. I order and go to the pay window where a man that I wouldnt consider hit on me. Told me I take great pictures (IDcard) and etc. He says goodbye have a great day blah blah blah and watches, along with the many cars in line, as I run over Arby's curb... Or garden... Or basically just ran over Arbys. I sped off, I was far too embarrassed to turn around and see how many people were staring at me. I'm lucky that FredJames is such a big guy. Although that was a tragedy in my life, I knew I had to move on. I found myself in the living room, my food placed in the most relaxing places, turn on the new teen mom, and smile. This is great. In seconds my happiness comes to an end. A girl walks in. She's Asian. She's here to see her friend, my asian roommate. I love Asians. I do not love when they pull out utinsils, it means one thing... STENCH. I've lived with this girl long enough to know that the food she makes does not smell good, and with two of them.. it was going to be twice the stench. I ate as fast as I could knowing that once the smell broke out I would lose my appetite.I didnt finish my food before losing my appetite. This could be a good thing. Maybe the smell of her food could be my new diet plan. I dont blaim her, if it werent the stench that made me lose my appetite i'm sure it would be the 16 year old giving birth on TV. ahhhhhhh. I  thinkkkk i'm gunna be siiikk.

bebephat.

I havent gotten off of this STD infested bean-bag since the moment I got home from class. At 3. Maybe 3:30, I was stopped by a boy shorter than me, he gave me his number and tol me to "hit im up." Instead i've been doing homework, kind of. I fell asleep for awhile, I guess homework isnt that entertaining... imagine that?! When I found out I missed gossip girls tonight, I yelled "damn!" I dont know how good of an influence I am on my Asian roommate that is currently taking missionary discussions, perhaps she doesnt know what that word means. That'd be nice. I hope she doesnt read this, that'd be awkward. It's funny that I still have enough to blog about when I havent done anything but write an essay on art and mental illness', my expertise. Baha. I havent recieved many texts today..thats weird.. t-mobile must not be working (my favorite excuse.) I vahnt sum food. Obesity is a huge problem of mine. Wouldnt you rather die a happy fat loser with a chocolate molten in your hands than a skinny insecure pail face with your finger down your throat? I donno... its a hard choice. My apartment got free cups from jimmy johns. Some girl felt generous and came to our door with them. I didnt wanna answer so I told her to come in, it was awkward when I found out her hands were full and she struggled to open the door and I had no idea who she was or what she wanted. I made it through this situation that I didnt want to be in, barely though. So im watching TV (like seriously who does that) and a new snuggie commercial came one. A lady in her house wearing a cloud snuggie and hula hooping at the same time... I really want a snuggie now. Who the hell comes up with these things? Some kind of sick genious. I lyke it. I'm going to go eeet. kewl.


                                                               Designer Brand Snuggie:

Generic Brand Sky Snuggie:

Random Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcSG8QokB14

Beauty&Fall

Back. The air isnt as friendly here as it is at home. Living next to the mountains has its perks. Miss home. I miss my daddy. I miss comfortable. Today was an amazing day. I woke up to my dad telling me he was leaving in ten minutes, and if i'm going I better get out of bed. I contemplated the importance of my presence at the detention center, where my dad was speaking. I tried to tell myself that I didnt need to go, and couldnt find myself falling back asleep. I had to go.. it felt right. Me and my dad drove to the detention center, and I was glad I made the decision to come. Today is his birthday. We reach DT and I sit by myself on the chapel bench as the bishop acknowleges me in front of the crowd. My dad gave an excellent talk, I held back the tears as I witnessed the first time ever seeing my dad cry. Well, he teared up. I was lucky enough to attend a class afterwords with girls only a few years younger than me. As the teacher taught repentance and forgiveness, my heart softened with the things these beautiful daughters of god had to say. Majority from broken homes, some from no homes at all. It was great to finally be around people that were real. Real stories. Real lives. Nothing sugar coated. They all wore purple sweatshirts, I almost wanted one. I'm not saying that they are superior girls, and that its cool to do wrong things and end up in DT... but to me, the purple didnt signify their mistakes, it signified girls trying to overcome a challenge. A challenge that was real. I felt a feeling of belonging in this environment, I came home and immediately searched the chriteria and schooling envolved with becoming a social worker. This is what I want to do. The plan has always been english. I've always wanted to write. I have a new priority. I want this to be my life. I really want this. The few hours I was their had a large affect on me. I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed being able to attend my mothers talk afterwords, at our home ward. I have great parents. I love them. Being able to celebrate my dad's birthday with him was really nice. I'm a really lucky girl. Sometimes I wonder if I am deserving of it.

Here are a few pictures of the poetry reading Bailee and I attended at LATart:

wantneed.whatever.

I hate I love I need I want I miss I regret I remember I live I die I laugh I cry I hurt I forget I lose
I make mistakes I wish you were still here I hope things will work out I miss your scent I need someone I lose myself I go crazy I give up I wait for your call I need to know why I yearn for the answers I have a lot of friends I have nobody I wish on stars I find peace through song lyrics I want to scream as loud as i can I want rain to pour down on me I want to know that i'll have a baby one day I want to know everything will be okay I want to believe in something I want to find it I want wide open space I want to forget I want confidence I want to be free I want to understand I want you to understand I want security I want to know who i am I want to prove everyone wrong I want to be right I want to feel the atmosphere I want to move on from the past I want to know which direction to go I want a beautiful soul I want genuine happiness I want to know what peace feels like I want to resist I want to be wanted I need to be needed I want to know why im here I want to read minds I want to break down I want to acheive I want to feed the hungry I want to give to the needy I want equality I want the hopeless to have hope I want everyone to know their worth I want the lost to be found I want you to practice love I want sympothy I want bliss I want the sick to be cured I want everyone to live I want everyone to get sleep tonight I want everyone to forget their worries I want the addicted to let go I want children to not be afraid I want the world to join together I want inner beauty I want to be taken seriously I want you to know I want what I cant have.

ILoveKanye

I was lucky enough to run into these treasured photos from the foist month of dissee.

Featuring Ashlee Rawlings, Eden Robinson, and Malll from SUU

yum

I would love to take a shower so that I can attend my sister/brother date...but my cleaning ladies are out there. They scare me. Somehow I slept through all their vacuuming outside my door, but I woke up to my vibrating texts. The cleaning ladies are funny. Whenever one of us loses something, we immediately blaim them until we find it. My little brother created this idea. He always thinks the cleaning ladies steal his change out of his change jar, I think its just a sick excuse to get more money from my mom. Baby genius. Instead of giving our old clothes to the DI, we give them to our cleaning ladies. I love, more than anything, seeing them clean my house in my clothes. Makes me happy. We even gave them our hamster once, my dad didnt approve of Tallys investment. Funny story.. While Tally was away at scout camp a month or two ago, my mom went downstairs and was surprised, mainly disgusted, by a hamster. Torn into peices. Blood everywhere. She was utterly confused as to where this hamster came from, and thought perhaps one of our cats (we have like 4.. or something, they increase daily) found this rat thing outside and brought it in to brutally harass it. So my little brother gets home from scout camp, searches the house aimlessly.."what are you looking for tally?" Tally has tears in his eyes.. "nothing.." turns out the little turd bought a hamster without telling anyone, that cat somehow got it out of the cage and murdered it. Haha, im going to shower. So essited for LATart.

Savage

Home. Love it here. The typical people in the living room (Daddy, Brent(family friend), Taylor, and Tally) Politics heard throughout the entire house. "Damn Liberals!" Of coarse, they all consider me one so i'm the butt of their jokes. Truth be told I wouldnt say im left or right. Two large pizzas because mom doesnt cook, and I love it :) My little sister and her boyfriend, or should I say husband, make an appearance about every twenty minutes. Nobody thinks this is weird but me..? I love coming home, it feels as if I never left. I can't wait to get my Forever21 fix. But I promised Doiden(Eden) that I would only get one thing... I think I can do it. Salt Lake is freezing compared to St.George! I like it though, for the first time in my life... I like the cold. I like home. I like my family.

hoo awr yu reelee?

Its funny how deceiving first impression can be.
I thought you were cooler than you are.
I'm grateful for the rain St.George got yesterday. Jazzy Javas open mic night was swell. I'm beginning to get annoyed of Eden hanging out with boy every night. I have a $5.00 fine for not cleaning thoroughly enough, I think the maintenance guy was just trying to be funny with me. I didnt find it funny. Hocus Pocus was on last night, that was the highlight of my Dixie experience. Not really, but probably the hightlight of this week. My homework is building up, and stacked very high in the back of my mind. Perhaps i'll decrease it to half the amount by midnight tonight. My biggest pet peeve, above popping knuckes, is when people (boys) don't tell you exactly how they feel. I dont care how random, rude, creepy, or whatever they may think it will be... it is still so much better when people are open. It shows a huge lack of confidence when you hold it in. I've had so many frosted flakes that it hoits. The third person working behind a counter discussed with me the difference between my clothing and the average person in St.George. I'm not trying to stand out, I just am unaware as to where these people get their clothes. I know upper class St.George girls wear aeropostale from the DI, not that there is anything wrong with that. But, I am not upper class. I wonder if they have a GenX around here, I havent seen the large massive store around here anywhere. Perhaps I will find it and try to fit in. Dixie boys are.... interesting. They don't compare to the boys at home.. which is funny, because I was so excited to leave those boys behind. I miss them now. There was one boy.. I thought he was cool, cute.. but he's actually really rude. and my first impression was very far off. I feel the need to go on a cruise. carribean cruise.
I wan't to get away from this getaway.

& the middle aged man has no idea.

My eyes began to wander and the words turned to faint echoes. My eyes started to do the talking, talking so loud that the echo of numbers turned to horror background music. My eyes lead me to the nearest window. A middle-aged man was bumming on a forrest green electric-type-box that was not intended to be a seat, whatsoever. His back was turned to me but that didnt hide his secret, dark clouds surrounded him and with every puff he polluted the innocent air. He seemed lonely. Just a typical human, going to college to become more successful. I'm sure he commonly asks himself why, perhaps I just hope he does so I can find some comparisin between the average human and myself. He tosses his cigerette to the ground, stands up, and by putting one foot in front of the other he moves on with his life. He continues. I couldnt help but ask myself if i'll ever be able to move on. I have strings tied tightly around my heart and mind. The end of the string leads to my current mistake, my past, my first love, my regrets, and my trials, the person I used to be. I wonder if it would be possible to cut these strings, of coarse a sarcastic smile is shown on my flushed face, as if i'm naive enough to think that all these things could dissapear. It doesnt keep me from wondering... what would it be like to be free? I remember a time when I felt free, when my boyfriend of a year and a half turned into a name brought up in casual conversation. At the time, I felt as if I was ready to do anything and everything. I was no longer tied down. My feelings turned to actions as I, indeed, did everything I wanted to. My heart was located on my sleeve, and my time was devoted to anything that would make me feel free, wild, happy, good. I was much too immature at the time to take real advantage of the freedoms I finally posessed. I didnt know then, but I was slowly and surely tying a knot around my wrist, and those days of temporary freedom.. or "happiness" were being ttied to me. In some circumstances, that string keeps me from moving on, or moving forward in this rigged journey we refer to as life. My boring memoir was disrupted by the ticking clock and I realize I can finally escape from this small space filled with equations. All I have to do is grab my belongings, stand up, put one foot in front of the other and give people the impression that this is me moving on, moving forward.

WouldYouRather

I love it here, dont get me wrong.
I loved it here, seems for accurate.
Trying to figure out what to do next seems to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I always make things harder than they should be. The normal human knows what they like and what they do not like. Ashlee Rawlings contemplates whether or not she likes something until the decision is made for her, and she is given no choice. One of my worst qualities, but i'm used to it. What i'm getting at through all this blah about nothing, I think im going to look into another school. Right now i'm thinking about next year, but if this continues it may be next semester. If only someone could make the decision for me. I'm not nearly as sick as I was before. Homesick rather. Last night I took two sleeping pills and locked myself in the boiling brick oven and turned out the lights. Turned on gossip girls. Said goodnight to my textees. & hoped that I could get some sleep. I found myself awake four hours later. I think the best sleeping pill would be one that numbed my mind and slowed my thoughts for a few hours, atleast. I could use a few more of my SaltLake friends down here. Dixie was never the plan. I was supposed to go the the U, join a sorority, possibly live in an apartment with my closest friends, spend weekends at the frat house... sounds much too cliche now.

newn glewm

" You're too pretty to be weird and too weird to be pretty.
And you feel strange when people try to talk to you.
So get a job, it's safer than art.
Maybe people won't point and stare so much.
 Even if they're only in your head.
Especially if they're only in your head. "

withdrawls

emotionally drained.
I wish it wasnt one sided.
Confusion.Misleading.
Usedd.abusedddd
broke the fuse.
not much left to lose.
&thats the good news.

There is a large chance I could die of whiplash
I need consistancy.
I need someone to prove that they can stay in
my life for longer than a simple phase.
I wish I wasnt such a softy.
I wish I could compare and contrast the honesty of our minds.
I wan't to know if i'm not the only one.

I'm so sick of life & its man made formulas
there are no mathematical answers
there are no biological terms..
no technology
& you may not believe this, but not even facebook..
can give someone the answers to life.
I wish everyone knew that.
I wish originatily was expressed more often.
I wish people would open their minds.
I wish clarity was easier to define.
I wish I understood why i'm awake blogging
attempting to express my unexpressable feelings.
I'm still trying to find the words that will peice these thoughts.
But I continue searching

& your lack of presence continues to way heavily on my mind.

was it worth all the while?

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
I know its greenday, but it's surprisingly fitting.

FallBreak

Things I learned this weekend:

1. Wait until you TRULY know someone before trusting them with even the smallest detail.
2. You can't love another person unless you love yourself.
3. I should charge for DD services.
4. Think before you do.
5. Listen to Sam when he gives me advice.
6. Money doesn't last forever.
7. I need a job.
8. Karma exists. (& I can't wait for him to get his)
9. Looks are naaauuut everything.
10. Boys are assholes. (I don even currrrr that I just swore)
11. Steve is a really deep kid.
12. I really do have a few true friends. a FEW.
13. Happiness can sometimes be found in the weirdest of places. :)

..gone..

It can't always be sunshine and butterflies.
but with KidCuDi, you find a way...

p.s
Fookuhyu
gayboiiiiiizz

...to the place of no return...

Hickie

I feel foreign blogging at home in SaltLake on my family's laptop.
I love being homeeeeeee & hanging out with my mom.
I've missed everyone so muchh. It's weird how fast
time goes byyy. I feel like one second ago I was in
High School. Too much has changed since then.

insidemybrain

I was in pain, so I took a lortab. Right after I took a math test.
Who is the smartest of them all?
My english class was canceled and i'm the happiest person on planet earff.
I wish Eden didnt have my keys though so I could go buy sum more
things at the cutest store ever.
Everytime I pack and get ready to drive home I feel really weirddd.
& walking into my house is even weirder.
I thinkkkk that the human mind is phsycotic. I dont care who you are.
I came to the self realization last night that I always find myself
being rude, or saying mean things to the people that I love.
Ironic right?
Joking about someone falling asleep at the wheel is entirely tacky and not funny in the least,
so i'm not joking.
I really think that since I havent gotten an ounce of sleep since 11:00AM..yesterday
it could be a possibility.
HI i'm negative Nancy
AnneHathaway&herFaceAnnoysMe.
WOoooAaH there Ashlee, way to think your better than AnneHathaway..
MY ROOMMATES GHETTO SPRAY CAN OF HOT PINK TEMPORARY HAIR COLOR IS BETTER THAN ANNE HATHAWAY.
OKeeEe MotherNature its time you give St.George it's monthly gift, I want a RAINSTORM! (haha you prolly thought I was gunna say something about a perioddd, got choo paaha) Nothing on planet earth beats the sound of raindops landing on your window. I wish that sound would ask me to marry it. It's defiinitely out of my league though.
I'm beginning to think that human is out of my league.
What would JayZ do?

Thought.

Sometimes
I feel like
i'm going
the wrong
way on a
one way
road.

somuchithoits

I love yewww Kid CuDi.



muah

I blog too much. I guess it's because I consider this my journal since no one reads it. I like that. I'm in bed, and Eden isnt home yet because she is out with her dixie boyfriend. With Eden being gone, I get a lot of thinking time in. This is going to be really cheesy, so if you arent into oober goober stuff just stop now. Anyways, one night I was really confused and scared about my future and where I should go to college soI prayed my heart out, my spirituality wasnt at its strongest point but I woke up with and answer. I had no doubt that I needed to come to St.George. I didnt know why, I was scared out of my mind to leave my comfort zone behind. But here I am going to school in St.George, and everyday it becomes more and more apparent as to why i'm supposed to be here. I'm figuring out who I am without the distractions I would have living at home. Dont get me wrong, i'm no where close to knowing exactly what it is that I want or who I am, but i'm getting closer. I miss my family  & i'm so grateful for their examples and all that they have done for me. I'm ready to move on from the past and bury a new seed that will grow into something I will actually be proud of. I have some serious soul searching to do, but I know this is only the beginning to something that will be beautiful if I allow it to be. I told you this was going to be cheesy, so if you look at me differently its your fault. Goodnight :)

ew.

Hyyy.

I have a lot of homework not to do. I went to the coolest vintage store today, I bought some records to decorate our apartment, a watch, and a pendant. I wanted to buy everything in the entire store, I probably will. If only I had an unlimited supply of money.

I'm etremely ty owed. I dont think I could sleep if I tried though, I derfno why. I think i'm excited to go home but I doont know. I'm so mad because I got a bad grade on my essay for putting it's instead of it is or don't instead of do not. It's english2010 not freakin' 8,000 REEEDICK.

Boyeee's are stoop. Hateeeezeeem.

The pet store wouldnt let me buy a gold fish today I was peeeeessseeed.

Well, i'm go eeen  to maybe watch gossip girls or somesin .

Byyyy.





kuwtk

There must be some kind of sick underground gossip circle in St. George. Tonight, I encountered the second man that said, "You arent from around here, are you." Not a question mark, definite period. They both said something about how I dress differently from people that live around here. Its true, I wasnt lying in my earlier blog when I acknowledged the department store sized GenX. Lortab day 2 has been good to me, i've felt good. :) I got to watch the new Kardashians today. It was nyce. I tant wait to go home and get my forever21 fix till I return for thanksgiving. A large man came to our door just now and asked if we were the ones making the loud "boom boom" noise. We told him to eff off. Juss keedn. Things are getting beet er. But i'm saying this too soon. Tomorrow, my homework will weight as much as a big baby. I tant wait to go to La Tart Thursday. Friday. & Saturday of next week. Our Simply tower is up to 10 Simplys and 1 baby. My roommate kim stuart just walking in with a big smile on her face, I think she just kissed one of her boyfriends. She has like eight. Holy shii humans can I just tell you how many polygimists i've seen here? Anyways. I loooooooooob yew. bye.

blogboutnootheeng

Love lazy Sundaze. Today I was extremely lucky to see my brother & daddy. They were driving back from our san clemente condo, my brother is moving there for work shortly. That kind of makes me sad, but he's probably the most talented and determined person I know, so I know he'll acheive a lot of good things there. I feel really content today. I didnt get to bed till about 6 AM, which is surprising because my pain was numbed by lortab so I thought i'd actually get some sleep for once, I was wrong! On Sundays I always want to listen to SkinnyLove by BonIver.. its so calmingggg. I cant wait for oranges to be in season. I wish it was pouring rain right now. I'm going home in tres dayssssss .

pitea whirled

It's incredibly sad how artificial the world is.

show me something real.

take me somewhere real.

LiterallySickJoke

It's weird to me that while I was writing my last blog I had no idea that i'd encounter this horrid pain that no words could possibly describe . My first adventure to the E.R, I can honestly say that the hospital is not my happy place. I'm okay, i'm fine & i'm beyond grateful for doctors, nurses, etc. I love Eden Robinson she's always there for me. I dont know if I would have made it without her recently crippled hand. Homecoming.... eehh. I can't say i'm excited but i'd be lying if i said i'm not excited to dress up like I did for high school dances! The hospital and homecoming in one day?...see I told you i'm okee. I love my blue wristband, thats the only good thing I got out of this ordeal. Oh, and the wheel chair ride. Well, byeyine.

ReadBetweenTheLines

I'm wide awake at 5:00 AM, please.. tell me whats new.
I've tried everything I can possibly think of to to fall asleep.
Not even Imogen Heap could help.

The past few days i've felt different. I feel this sudden urge to start heading towards my life's destination. I feel like I should know who I am by now. I know this is disgusting and saying that i'm being cheesy would be a complete understatement but I feel like i'm surrounded by people that know exactly where they are going and have already began their journey. I wish finding yourself was as easy as it sounds. Where do you begin? Where is the instruction manual and road map?! Like whaaaat?

Ever since i've known that writing and art could pertain to a career i've yearned for the goal to use my never ending thoughts and abstract ideas to lead me somewhere. As I get older and realize english majors that once had a dream to become the next author of numerous best sellers are living off of a high school teachers sallary dealing with kids that could give a shit what they have to say.

It doesnt surprise me that great people with the most mysterious and amazing minds die believing they were failures. I dont think society gives enough credit to the people that see through the obvious. Who needs math and science... numbers and experiments wont give our mind the enlightenment it needs. We need to press pause and look around and create our own ideas and our own perception of this incredible world we live in. All science can do is put a strain on our imagination. Vincent Van Gogh created some of the most beautiful peices of art known to man today. He was incredible. Just like F. Scott Fitzgerald, a famous author who wrote beautifully, died thinking that their work died along with them. ineffective. That baffles my mind, I hope wherever they are now they are aware of the huge inspirations they've become.

My mind obviously just took me for a ride because now i'm getting sleepy and have no idea where i'm going with this blog. But for those that read this, I am very surprised that you made it this far. That was a lot of words and a lot of confusion. Goodnight, its 5:20 AM.

blahblahblah

I really don't know what to say. I feel like the best way to say what I desire to say is by saying nothing, but that wouldnt do anything to occupy the time that my boredom is waisting away. For the first time since living here I want to go home. Not because I don't like it here, I just need a break.

I don't know what I want, or what I need.. but something is missing. 

 I've forgotten what a good nights sleep feels like.

I swear if those boys behind the wall dont turn down their music....ugghh.

I'm sick of feeling sick this is rediculous.

I'm sure when I get off this weird phase i'll look back at this blog and make fun of myself. I promise i don't generally give off the emo vibe.

When all is said and done atleast I know I have gossipgirls.

ha...... I just need.... something.

Today

I feel insignificant.

"Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish."

If it wasnt for my sick obsession with GossipGirls, I wouldnt be awake at 5:30 AM blogging during commercials.

    I guess thats a lie, a particular boy on my mind would probably still have me wide-eyed and laying uncomfortably in bed . I feel completely out of my element saying that, not because I dont stay up thinking about stupid boys, but because I would never admit that publicly.

  I guess its because my only follower is EdenRobinson and i'm pretty sure she is perfectly aware of my psychotic sleeping patterns.,, and my great hatred for boys with agenda's.

The only other people awake at Canyonlands right now are the girls sneaking out of boys apartments. That kind of digusts me. Whats romantic about sharing a twin bed with some guy you just met that just wants to "get some"... & tell me whats attractive about a girl that gives a guy what he wants and ends up being horribly embarrassed in the morning by the proof of her caked up face displayed on his white pillow case.

Maybe i'm just jealous because boys hate me? 
It doesnt bother me if their arent any boys with class.

Well Eden, i'm going to bed. I will probably wake you up as I stumble into our dark and dirty room. I'm sorry, and please don't talk to me in your sleep. It scares me.
Goodnight BlueMoon.

y o u & i

To Write Love On Her Arms
Non-Profit Organization
I love this cause.
How great would the world be if everyone knew their worth and importance.
Just by being a nice person you can save LIVES and make a difference.
I know its easier said than done, but t r y i n g
to accept everyone for who they are is enough. t r y i n g
to seek only the good in people is enough.
only we have the ability to eliminate hate and prejudice.
Most importantly, reminding people of our love and appreciation for them.

Spread Love

RiP. Que Henderson, I think of you often.

AverageJoe

My least favorite days of the week are Monday and Wednesday. Its Wednesday. I have good news though, I finished another Simply. The tower is growing while the economy is declining, if only I were a simply living in a simply world. I think my english teacher hates me, she gives me homework as if i'm some kind of superhuman with the ability to do english assignments that only she, the head of the English department, can conquer. Classes are extremely hard for me, I get distracted easily by the bling radiating off of white trash baby mommas that take full advantage of the department store sized GenX. I had the wonderful opportunity to attend a pageant, i've never had so much fun in my life. Somehow pageants always find a way to add charity to their program to give off the idea that pageants arent soley dependant on looks, but I mean, when there is one girl that doesnt quiet fit the traditional pageant criteria you have to know that somethins not right. In all honesty, I think its cruel. They put a poor girl in and embarrass her as people cup their hands over their mouth and try to hide their laughs that are on the brink of explosion. The judges know she wont make it before she begins. C'mon society.... talk about cruel and unusual punishment. I wish Michael Cera followed my blog. I wish Michael Cera would marry me. Well i'm going to the local grocer to buy more simplys with my friend Doiden. Xoxox

SimplyBrickWalls

What are you supposed to say in your first blog? I feel extremely awkward. Is this blog thing some sort of sick joke? Well, I got this blog because I am not as cool as you may think I am, I followed a trend that my sister began. For those that dont know, I call her double L (LoserLauren). Before leaving to Africa she said something like.."I made a blog so that you guys will be updated." Of coarse, being the experienced stalker that I am, I followed her blog. Here I am in a 4'4 cubicle, that I call my apartment, creating a blog. Yes Lauren, you started a trend.. you go girl. Sick I just said that. I live in St. George and there is a lot more to do here than there is in the giant fun-filled city that I came from, so I often find myself on a couch drinking Simply juice and watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Due to my Simply overdose, I recently decided to create a tower of my simply bottles (all 8). While doing my homework this morning, (previous 6 words added for my mom to see) my roommate caught my attention, which is weird because generally I ignore comments regarding the dishes/cleaning/etc., she explained, explained is a wide stretch, that their was mold in my simply bottle. Grapefruit Simply to be exact. She said "you'll be throwing that one away." Amy obviously didnt understand that every Simply is important in the eyes of the creator. Being the considerate person that I am, I washed the mold out so my Simply could feel better. Anyways, I'll leave you stalkers with something to think about, their are white bricks INSIDE my apartment- I call it a wall. Thanks for your time.